relationships

Thankful Thursday: Rayven Monique

Every Thursday in my Wife Behind the Fire group we do Thankful Thursday. It’s a time to stop the chaos for a split second and focus on at least one good thing going on, big or small. I encourage them to come up with something small because it helps you start seeing the good every day. There is NOT a single day that goes by that there isn’t something to be thankful for. No matter how bad the day goes.

If you don’t believe me, let’s chat and I’ll prove it 😉

Happily wasting an hour.

Today as I “wasted” over an hour watching every stage of the sun come up over the mountain I was overcome by how much amazingness has happened in my life over the last year. My ability to watch the sun peak over Mt. Rainier is the icing on the cake for my last 12 months. Years past I might be sitting here thinking how it’s too good to be true. How is this finally happening and we are in this gorgeous house with this amazing view I never dreamed was possible? And I’m human, and those thoughts pass through my brain sometimes, but they are quickly replaced with enjoying the freaking moment and not letting it go to waste. Of being thankful that I have the ability to sit for as long as I want and just take it the gorgeous miracle of a sunrise.

When I look back over the last year and start to count the blessings I’m happily overwhelmed. Only a year! As I watched the sunrise and laughed that it truly has only been 12 months, it blew my mind how many people have been brought into my life and the part they have played in major changes and shifts. Yet most of them have no idea.

In no order except what the universe hit me with, I want to start telling you about these people.

Which brings me to Ravyen.

Rayven Monique was first as I opened my beach camp kit (only 2 left as of yesterday! Use coupon code: EARLY200 before October 14th). I didn’t have to look at the card to know the little pack with the button, butterfly and key to happiness was from her business Color Happy.

Before May, I only knew of Rayven through other friends that absolutely adore her. We’d never talked. I don’t think we ever even commented back and forth on mutual friend’s social media. Crazy!

Opening the little kit was absolutely a piece of Rayven and made me smile. The positive energy that flows from her is contagious because it’s genuine. She has great insight and is awesome about reading between the lines as she listens. And you can tell she’s truly listening as she gives you a unique perspective on something you just couldn’t grasp.

As I leaned into my word for 2019 (ask), she was one that I asked to speak in the Bold Life Collection. We’ve worked together on a project of hers. I’ve sat in on a joint class she held and we’ve had a coaching call. We also bonded over the season premier of GOT. This is where I really got to like her because she likes to predict what’s going to happen next and was getting into trouble for talking. Ok, we were getting shushed for talking because I wanted to hear her predictions and no one else did…so she was whispering it to me and well, I don’t whisper well. lol

So how has this helped in my mid-life shift?

Her ownership of who she is, obstacles she’s overcome and how she loves herself gives me a good example to follow. I’ve had rough times as we all have, but they don’t own who I am anymore. She shows me that I can be as positive as I want and the right people will be attracted to me just as I am to her.

People that lead by example are the best! I’m happy to think of Rayven as a friend and look forward to hugging her at the beach again!

Live boldly!

Do You Have Peeps?

I’m here to annoy you with a story. I promise to keep it short. Don’t roll your eyes at me knowing that’s not possible! lol

I want to know who you are surrounding yourself with on and offline.

Do you have your tribe, your person, your people, your BFF, your ride or die?

Are you in-between people or groups you would consider calling any of the above?

I’ve gone through huge changes in the last decade and that includes who I’m surrounding by. I lost touch with my BFF as we both got busy with life and family. Then we hooked back up again and it was amazing to have that connection back. No one can compete with over 35 years of friendship. Good or bad, she knows me and will always know me better than any person on the planet.

I’ve been lost in other groups of friends because of my lack of confidence during those times. I probably lost some good friends along the way. It may be time to reach out and see if we can connect again.

But, those that are in my life right now are killing it. I’ve found women that will give me a giant hug and call my shit out. Being a strong personality, that isn’t easy for others to do. I had to find women that realize I’m loud, but I don’t bite.

A week ago I had a giant hug and “put those big girl panties on” “you can do it” type of day.

I freaked the F out. Totally lost it. Hyperventilating. Panic attack. Freaked out.

And my peeps were there to listen as I typed out nonsense to them and just let it out. After reading what I typed to them the next day, I was shaking my head. T-R-A-I-N-W-R-E-C-K status.

Letting it out was what I needed in order to get control back.

Our house went on the market February 28th and it was way more emotional than I thought it would be. We still had 3 projects left to finish up the night before and both hubby & the youngest weren’t going to be home until 5. I now have track practice so I’m not home in the afternoon either. PLUS, I had to get my client work done during the day.

I overloaded.

I admit that I have control issues. I recognize them and I work hard at squashing them down unless they are useful. But, there was too much going on that was out of my control. The not knowing is something I don’t do well with. (who does?) The realtor texted me the afternoon before and said she had two VERY serious buyers wanting to look at the house right away and it set me off.

We have a plan for where we are going while we wait to find property and build. Even though we have options and won’t have to jump into something nor live in a hotel, I was freaking out at how fast everything was going. It didn’t slow down after that either.

My peeps reminded me to look at all the good. Throwing all my words and advice back at me. I started working through all the positives. Just like I would tell someone if they came up to me freaking the F out.

I’m excited and happy about all the change happening. I really do want it. BUT HOLY CRAP, CHANGE IS SCARY when it’s this big.

We have lived in this house for 20 years. Raised both the kids here in a house that was only supposed to be temporary. I had no idea how hard it was all going to hit me until it did.

I want you to find your peeps. If you’ve lost touch with them, I want you to reach out. Your confidence has a lot to do with the people you surround yourself with, so keep the good ones and let them know!

Thanks for being part of my crew! I hope you consider me one of yours. (blows kisses)

Remember, happiness is a choice. Live with no regrets.

We All Crave Approval

A little story, so you can picture how we crave approval and how easily it gets out of hand.

Let’s say we have a unique tragic family situation. Jill’s mom went to prison when she was just a baby. Holly, her older sister put her college plans on hold to raise Jill. Holly treated the little girl like she was her own daughter and provided for her every need. Holly was absolutely Jill’s parental figure.

But, as Jill grew older, she feared losing Holly like she had her mom. So, she often went along with everything Holly said or did. It wasn’t that she didn’t have her own thoughts or opinions. She just never voiced them. A pattern was created.

When it came time for Jill to go to college, she went to the one that Holly liked best. She asked for Holly’s advice on a major and immediately signed up for the one her sister had picked.

You Want to Be Liked

While Jill may have an unusual home life, situations like hers aren’t uncommon. Everyone longs to be known and loved for who they are. This is a normal human need and by itself it isn’t a bad thing.

But, if you allow the need for approval and validation to guide you, you’ll end up living a life that isn’t authentic. Like wearing shoes that are a size too small, you might be able to get where you want to go. But, you won’t enjoy the journey nearly as much.

You Don’t Want to Take Responsibility

When you need approval, it’s easy to become passive. A friend asks which restaurant you want to eat at and you always say, “You pick.” Or your sister wants to know which movie you should get tickets to and you always say, “I’ll watch whatever you want to see.”

If you’re passive and go along with what everyone else wants, you may temporarily feel good because you received validation. But, the next day, the whole process starts again. That’s an exhausting way to live.

There also comes a time when all of those instances you were passive build up and you feel like people are taking advantage of you. It’s not that they are rude, it’s that you taught them you want to do whatever they say. It leads them to not ask anymore and assume you’ll go along with whatever their choice is. One day they will just skip right to the choice instead of asking you.

You Need to Ask Permission

Jill didn’t realize the unusual dynamic in her relationship with her sister until a friend pointed it out. “You know you consult your sister before every major life choice,” She said. “And I think it’s sweet that you guys are close. But, don’t you want to make decisions on your own sometimes? To throw caution to the wind and do what you want to do?”

If you feel like you can’t make decisions on your own or have different opinions than your friends or family, you’re most likely craving approval. Ask yourself why you feel like you need approval. Do you worry you’re lacking in some area? Are you nervous about a new venture? Are you afraid of being told your idea or choice is dumb?

Getting to the heart of the issue can set you free. It can give you the confidence to make your own choices and bravely stand behind them.

When Jill’s friend talked to her, she realized her relationship with her sister was out of balance. She was still treating her sister like a maternal parent and asking permission to do everything. She started working on making her own choices. The more choices she made, the happier she was with her life.

Terrified to rock the boat? Discover how to stop fearing what other people think when you join us in ME MONTH 2019!

Remember, happiness is a choice. Live with no regrets.

Family Issues During The Holidays

Families can be a wonderful blessing, or they can be a major pain in the ass during the holidays. Frankly I’ve seen mine, be both at the same time. The stress of the Christmas season, combined with the fact that we see more of each other than during the rest of the year, can bring any tension and arguments to a boiling point.

So, let’s look at ways that we can work on handling known issues. If you are going to a big family event and you know there has been tension it can really ruin your time with everyone else there. Don’t let it cause you stress before you even get there.

Be Patient And Kind

‘Tis the season to be patient and kind. Make this your motto and you’ll enjoy a much more peaceful and relaxed holiday season this year. Remind yourself of this when things get hectic and stressful around Christmas.

I find that the simpler I keep things around the holidays, the easier it is to stay patient and kind. When we have too much on our plate, we get stressed out and irritable. I don’t have to tell you that this leads to a short temper that may cause you to do something you regret later.

Going into the holidays with a goal of doing this will help those of you like me that can turn angry elf quickly. I find if I start out considering there will be issues and telling myself to stop giving a crap about things more than others do, I can keep my cool and be genuinely more patient and kind.

Walk Away If You Need To

Sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away. If a situation is stressing you out, or spiraling out of control, get yourself out of there. Go take a breather and come back when you can get back to being patient and kind.

Sometimes just going into a different room for a few minutes or taking a short walk outside will do the trick. At other times, you just need to leave before you get into an argument with a family member, and that’s ok. There are times when you’re better off getting out of there. If it’s the only thing that will make it possible for you or the people you care about to enjoy their Christmas, you do what you have to do.

NOW, what if you are hosting this get together? Walk into another room and ask someone more neutral to join you. If things are escalating and you know it will not improve, do not be afraid to ask someone to leave or have the neutral party do it if they are open to helping. It will be uncomfortable, but it is better than the fight progressing. Especially if alcohol is involved. Call that person a cab, uber or have another person take them home.

Postpone Arguments When Possible

The holidays only come around once a year. Bite your tongue if you need to and avoid arguments and fights as much as possible. You don’t have to give in, or bend over backwards for family members you don’t get along with. I am FOR SURE not saying that. I’d be a hypocrite if I told you to do that.

Think of it more as postponing the argument until after the holidays. Enjoy the time with your loved ones… even the ones who are a little more challenging to love than others.

One last thing to keep in mind when you’re struggling with squabbles and fights around the holidays. This is a special time of the year and something you can’t get back. Try to put bad feelings aside and celebrate this special time with your family and friends.

Remember, happiness is a choice. Live with no regrets,

PS – Don’t just sit and be stressed out about the holidays, download my new free report Reduce Stress During The Holiday Season. It includes the Less Stress Holiday email series to further help you take control of your holidays again.